Strange Love

I will use this image every time I can.

Folks, I like most adults, understand that love and sex are a natural part of the human social dynamics. And like most adults, I have no real employment and watch way too many cartoons.

Which is why I must find the recent developments in Cartoon Networks animations a tad disturbing. No, I'm not a prude, but read on and see if this doesn't deviate far and away from what we call normal.

First of in line for a talking to is Symbionic Titan, Genddy Tartakovsky's  take on the giant robot vs monster genre. Her His Super Sentai to the Powerpuff Girl's Sailor moon, if you will. The show follows Two teens and a shape-shifting robot from another planet who are, very poorly if I may add, hiding from the villain who took over their planet.

The Titular Titan, choking the hell out of his dragon.

The Shape-shifting Robot is our concern. As part of our heroes facade of pretending to be  average kids from the neighborhood, they enroll in school.I don't know why pretending to be school kids is better than pretending to be  dropouts, but whatever. Hey, you gotta do something to forget the military coup of you entire planet, the enslavement of your people, and that your own father is getting tortured in ways the Geneva convention never even imagined.. Our robot friend passes of as a fat nerd type with glasses called Newton, and occasionally the other kid's legal guardian.

In the episode "Lessons in Love", the Robot, under the guise of Newton, decides to help local cheerleader ditz  Kimmy with her math exams because figuring out new an better was to protect his human compatriots isn't high into the priority queue.

And if you think this two will hit it off, you might just be right.

At first it begins in that dynamic where you're trying to get someone else to do an assignment for you, and that person stubbornly wants you to learn. Instead of you and your mom, though, it's a robot and a cheerleader, and instead of just moaning and begging, this happens:

Why was I born in the 80s?

Yes, our heroine tries to seduce a nerd into doing her math test for her by shaking her ass to the tune of a made up Hip Hop song with terms like "Booty Queen" and "Turn it aroooound". This really did happen in a Cartoon Network show that is not in the Adult Swim lineup.

In typical cartoon fashion, he teaches her she doesn't HAVE to be dumb because she's a cheerleader, and she seems to fall in love. I didn't see the whole ep, but by the end of the ep, she's holding hands with our lovably emontionless robot.


Say, what is the robot's other form again?

Nancy Grace is still trying to  find where he put the body.

Yes, a balding, middle aged man. Who, by the way, has also the affections of the Jamie Lee Curtis looking neighbor.

^ A pattern emerges...

I mean, I know we live in an age where two or more consenting adults can do whatever they want, as long as it's homosexualism and not something like incest, which is gross, immoral, unnatural and wrong. But the idea of an assman robot putting the moves on a teenager while having an affair with a cougar is something we can all agree is at least theoretically creepy. Is Newton going to show affection for Kimmy while disguised as an old man?Who can he turn to for advise? HE is the house's father figure, and the house's computer as well.

It's kid's show today, man! All trying to push the envelop. I remember Scooby Doo wasn't all that concerned with booty or how the characters related to each other. Now we have a Scooby Doo show called Mystery Inc. that is actively trying to ruin that with a bestial love triangle.

First off, let me just say Scooby Doo, as a corporation is a terribly run business. We have less than half of the team with skills useful to the solution of said mysteries, which would be Fred with his planning skills and Velma with her analysis skills, and the rest of the team, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby, are simply not necessary. Instead, they should find a marksman, a martial artist, and a pit-bull dog. They could find out who this week's conniving landlord is in half the time!

I said clear your desks. Now.

The show settles the gang in their apparent birth town of Crystal Cove, where transparently ridiculous "disguised as monster" crimes occur weekly. It also settles the character's hearts, with Daphne having a crush with an oblivious Fred while Velma has a crush with an oblivious Shaggy.

Velma's relationship with Shaggy seems central. She's pretty needy and constantly centers all her attention on him. He's...exactly the same food scarfing stoner he's always been.

Look, I know Scooby Doo has done it all, and also taken it's mask off and  found out it's old Mr Wrinkley. But this kind of dynamic doesn't work with cardboard cutouts like the Scooby gang. This character's got to where they are by tying themselves to stereotypes, archetypes, cliche's and tropes, and characterization only brings that to the surface.

Why is Velma in love with Shaggy? He doesn't look good, he's dumb, and he constantly puts a dog over her needs. I'm not usually like this, but Velma is now one of the most poisonous examples a little girl could have. She is a woman with skills and smarts, who's only focus in life is to land a man that is effectively worse than her in every way. Velma's a Diaper away from becoming Lisa Nowak. 

Velma, seen here wiping the floor with her diploma after a beating.

And Scooby is like...I don't know, "between" Velma and Shaggy, constantly disrupting their barely there relationship. Why would Scooby do that? Is Scooby a third wheel? Is Shaggy screwing a talking great dane? If you're making me wonder what Scooby's angle is, then something's wrong.

Rooby Rooby ROOOO!

Why not give Shaggy instead a new romantic interest? Or at least bring back that bitch from "The Reluctant Werewolf" movie. Make the red shirt canon!

Why not?

All in all, I think we should talk to our kids about this things in real life. They shouldn't learn them from a Robot or a talking dog. They should learn to manage their emotions and bodies responsibly from their parents.

As for us adult...WHOOO LET'S TAP THAT ASS!

 TURN IT AROOOOUND! DUN BREAK IT!