Scolding Reviews- Almighty Thor

Not even Steve Carrel wanted in anymore.

Allright. I'm ready. I'm ready Asylum! You hear me, bitch! I'm ready! Motherfucker, I own  Starquest: The Oddysey!  I can take your shit!

Bravado asides, this cash in films are notorious for preying on confused grandparents and ridiculous baffling moments, but what defines this particular one is it's complete lack of direction, motivation and a bare minimum of characterization you need to forget you aren't just watching people make money  off of Marvel's hype.

The film opens to...the dread demon Loki assaulting Asgard with his magic. Hmm...straight to the point are we?

Loki and his giant...monster Chihuahuas make a joke  of the defending forces. I'm not much of an  Aesir(or comic book equivalent)guy but aren't the people in Asgard like...tough?

Then we meet our Protagonist, Thor, who hath claimed his hair from the beast Owen Wilson, his Father Odin, who not only sports awesome tattoos they couldn't be bothered to cover, but with his white beard and trident like spear,  and lack of an eyepatch, reminds me much more  of Neptune, king of the Seas. We also meet Thor's brother, who's name I didn't catch, but who's only distinguishing feature is a Stallonian facial paralysis, and since I can't make fun of that, let's move on.

Here's some guys with facial paralysis I can make fun of for other reasons.

Thor gets word of this mass murder of everyone in his kingdom deal, and heads for the fates to divine what to do. Which...is okay I guess. I think the situation might have benefited from a more... direct approach.

We're gonna save the town...right after checking my horoscope.

The fates tell them how they're all screwed and should gear up for a nice old dying...or give Loki what he wants: The Hammer of Invincibility. Which...seeing Loki's attitude so far, I don't think giving it to him might make him more reasonable.  Odin and his elder son are game to getting their clocks cleaned, but Thor says he can change his own destiny.

So they run into battle and fight, like, one or two superdawgs before Loki shows himself to Odin. Loki is...sort of a guy. By which I mean he doesn't feel like an ominous figure who should be feared. He's just a guy, going "C'me on, man. I just need the Hammer of Invincibility for a couple of hours! I promised my wife I would be finished before he weekend."

"I'm good for it! Ask Charlie!"

So Odin fights Loki in a comically poorly edited fight. But when Odin gets the upper hand, Loki starts apparently teleporting around Odin. The cuts are so terrible  it gets hard to tell. So Loki tricks  Odin into killing his own son, and then he kills Odin with a fairly non-fatal looking blow.

How does a spear that was stuck on a guy end up like that?

Thor is unconvincingly distraught that his brother and father have been murdered as they so wanted, but then Loki finds him and kicks his ass too.  But a mysterious hooded Hispanic warrioress played by the bad girl from the first two Mummy movies saves him. Isn't there a low budget "boycott Almighty Thor website"?

 The two escape and we get to to know the woman's name is...Jar Sadsack? Yah Zapzap? Jarred Salsa? I'ma stick with that last one.

Con extra Fjorn!

So Thor is all "I should get out there and keel that Lo-Ki! and Salsa is all "Jis Tu Paguerful. Iu nid more treinin!". And then she kicks his ass just to demonstrate that he can't beat Loki.

Now, I guess they took the part of the Thor trailers in which he is impulsive and tried to take a similar route, but this Thor comes  off as a useless moron who needs constant babysitting so he doesn't die.  In one baffling sequence we learn Salsa knows to fight because she was trained by Valkyries whereas Thor learned to fight because he watched his brother fight. It's clear that Thor isn't really much of an actual warrior or hero or...anything.

After an extended sequence of escape-talk-escape, they get to earth, where we learn Salsa has apparently been living and has a hideout stocked with guns and stuff. And within less than a minute on  Midgard a stock mugging scene. Even as it's cut, you can tell they really wanted a cliched woman-getting-mugged, hero-stumbles-upon-it, hero stops mugging sequence.

This "Warrior from Magic Land ends in our world" movies...

So our heroes head for the Tree of Life, where the hammer of Invincibility was hidden. But first Thor needs to defeat a knight who defends it. Just...some knight. Guarding the Tree of Life. I guess I need to read some more runes to get it.

So Thor swordfights the guy and wins. And then everything goes slomo and it rains. As much as you can and should make fun of this movies effect's, this scene is sort of beautiful. But it's pretty pointless. Having seen the other Thor, a similar rain and slomo scene occurs when Thor discovers he can't use his powers and he's humbled. That's effective. Here he just beat the last boss.

So Thor gets the hammer of invincibility. and searches for Loki. As they stare at each other face to face Thor...draws his hammer. From his long coat. Here, tell me if this makes sense.

Yes, that looks about right.

In short, despite having an weapon with the term "invincibility" appended in the name, Thor is no match for Loki and needs to be saved by Jarred Salsa yet again. You know, in most fictions, when there is a race for an item that  would prove catastrophic in the wrong hands, the good guys acquiring it pretty much ends the action. Not here. Here the bad guy is still actively seeking the item and the good guys have no use for it.

Here, Loki is about to use the "Sword of unrequested urological check"

Thor wouldn't know it, as he insists and fights Loki a third time...and a fourth time. During the fourth battle, Thor manages to take the...Bone of Errol...from Loki. Loki claims that his bone is useless to him, and Thor says he's gonna destroy it. But Loki backflips on the issue and says the bone can be used to revive Odin, then pretends to die. Thor will later claim he saw him melt, but I saw nothing of the sort. Somebody forgot to add the effect?

In either case, Salsa again she steps in and saves him from an obvious trap. Tired of just trying to walk up to Thor, Loki summons up his mutadogs again with the second usage of  his prerecorded voice saying: "Come, my Friends".

I don't know. Think of the kinds of villains that have minions, and think of one of them that refers to them as "friends". Not like, singular "my friend", but as a collective. Darth Vader, Shredder, Dr Doom. No. Maybe Magneto, but then his minions have an ideal and this dogs, until deleted footage proves otherwise, don't.

They don't seem particularly interested in friendship, either.

So an...epic battle ensues. The now infamous scene of Thor running and Shooting an Uzi at Loki ensues as well. What's more, Loki use force pull, takes the gun from  Thor and shoots him to the ground.

Also, the effects guys fail to understand what a strong force would do to a truck.

Now, when I saw the trailer, I assumed this was part of Thor being depowered. But he's shooting with guns when in his other hand he has the Hammer of Invincibility! Come on! He's only used to shoot lightening at the air! What CAN the Hammer do?

Thor again almost loses to Loki when Salsa intervenes. They try to portal away but Salsa gets pulled away by Loki. He returns to find her dead and gives her the Hammer. But she was Loki in disguise.  So Loki crucifies Salsa and Thor and sends them to hell. Sorry...Hel. Aesir, got it.

So Thor is in Hel and he's crying and there's lava and Loki's plan to destroy everything ever is about to unfold. But he hears encouraging voice over and he..grabs a bunch of lava in a clear misunderstanding of what Lava is or does. He forges it into a polished Metal hammer with his fists, which is an even more ludicrous thing than the last one. And where does he find  wood for the handle in Hel? Why is his hammer polished and the old one look like it's a paleolithic weapon?

It all comes down to a climax where both Thor and Loki fight with their respective Hammers. Thor finally wins and kills Loki and cures the Tree of Life and stops the Ragnarok and all that stuff. Then he goes to the fates, who are very cross that he defied fate itself, and he breaks their weaving equipment.

He's the master of his own fate as long as people are willing to save him.

This movie is as directionless as they come. The villain has no real reason to do things, the hero is a singleminded dolt, and everyone else is monster fodder.  They weren't even trying, which is what Asylum  does. Not try.

Scolding reviews-X-Men Anime's 1-3

'は、フロント、真の信者の顔！

For the record, I love X-Men because of the cartoon. I don't go to comics shops that often and when I do, I usually don't buy X-Men? Wanna know why? Because everytime I open an X-Book to see what is going on, I just don't know what's going on. I'm like "what's this one about, it's got a cool cover. What? Gambit is blind? Rogue lost her powers? Jubilee is  a vampire? Rogue controls her powers? Shatterstar is gay? Who the fuck is Shatterstar? Why is Xavier walking? The Danger room has tits?"

At least Ultimate X-Men streamlined and simp...Why is Wolverine Cable?

I guess for people who can afford to keep up with the stories this changes can provide dramatic buildup but for a guy like me who can't, it's a smattering of the familiar battered with strange goings on.

So I'm happy to say the first 3 episodes  of X-Men Anime series are mostly base X-Men, without any excursions into the thick layers of canon fat that make up the books.

Episode 1 opens to Phoenix kicking the X-Men's ass. Just that.They don't even delve on the Phoenix force. Can't say I blame them. It's Phoenix guys. We KNOW already.

Yeah, it's Monday allright.

Each character does a showcase of their powers, which is great for people who don't know what "Waruverinu" is. Then Cyclops starts crying. Some excepts from his script.

"Cyclops: JIIIIIIN!"

"Cyclops: JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

"Cyclops: JIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNnnnNNN!"

Jean has enough of Scott wearing her name out and telekineticaly raises him and messes up his suit. A mental projection shows Scott a more lucid Jean and behind him... a mysterious pair of breasts woman.

Then Jean dies.

Nobody gets a day off if Jean Grey dies.

Cut to a year later, where Xavier reminds us what X-Men are, what they do and all that shit. And he also informs us that the X-Men are disbanded, but will be rebanded soon enough for a very special case. Each of the core cast members are reintroduced as of their solo career before being called into action.Wolverine is stupidly trying to get through the airport but can't make it past the TSA checkpoint in a gag he should know  about by now,  Storm is taking a cruise ship and killing the hell out of pirates and Beast is giving a lecture. In an awesome moment, Beast shows that he has given a squid human intelligence, and  leaves him teaching in his place. I begrudge a bit that there is no ethical discussions on  giving fuckin' seafood human intelligence then leaving him to do your work for you, but dammit, I wish Prof. Devilfish was an actual character in X-Men.

Is he accredited?

Scott, however, never moved on. Literally. He's still at ground Zero of where Jean died, and even Wolverine quips him on it. Yes, Wolverine quips Cyclops in this a lot.

The episode ends with the group going to Japan and Cyclopes coming out of his marasmo to join them in a misson to look for a missing mutant girl in Japan.

Ep 2 opens up with the secret underground lair of THE U-MEN! The U-Men are Human supremacists, including A creepy man wired with electronics and The Grandpa from Boondocks by way of Deadshot and a bunch of overly eager robots with skulls for faces. Apparently they are behind the disappearance of young Mutants in the region. The X-Men interview the girl's parents until a neighbor informs them that their son, too, is missing. The X-Men head out and find that it was on their Hummer and motorcycles when an ambush occurs and robots attack.

The X-Men respond the way they usually respond: By shooting lasers and missiles out of their vehicles. I mean, wouldn't you? Storm tries using her powers but becomes ridiculously fatigued. She didn't get fatigued earlier when she froze a boat filled with pirates, but I guess it's the plot somehow. 

Cyclops is a reckless jerk and has to be saved by Wolverine. What? Wolverine is supposed to be...and Cyclops is...GRR! I think the Japanese got it all confused. I think that's why this series seems to star Cyclops and not Wolverine.

He don't even care a lot about Jean!

Eventually our heroes find the evil lair and the gruesome experiments the U-Men have done, including mutating the hell out of a...Mutant. Hmm. In either case, this mutant mutant mutates the X-Men's ass into his foot's resting place while Cyclops tries to convince the mutant he had good in him. You suck at that, Cykes. Stick to eyeblasting the hell out of things. After Beast uses his machine to determine he can't be demutated, Cyclops reluctantly agrees to put him down in a humaneEYELAZORRRR!

Even when THE GUY HIMSELF thanks him for the mercy kill, Cyclopse still has to cry and moan about it. Getoveritgetovertgetoverit!


Eventually, the team makes their way to the experimental chamber, in which the young mutant they where looking for is in a pod. Also in a pod? Helena, from Dead or Alive! Dun, dun DUUUN!

In the next episode, we find out She's actually Emma frost, a member of the Inner Circle, and the woman who Cyclops saw behind Jean in his vision. So no X-Treme Volleyball or complex power schemes from her. She's also an animal enthusiast, because she has some healthy puppies on her at all times.

Seriously, the escalation in chest sizes in this series is crazy, and I don't know if they can top this. I hope they try. This is what happens when Japanese add their own exaggerated views of white women's breasts and add it to American comics perception of what normal breasts are, and then they go : "Oh, but this character's supposed to have BIG Breasts".

Music Inspired by.

Cyclopse and Wolverine alternate between who's gonna kill her and who's not so sure if they should kill her. But once they get her out of the pod, she denies any involvement with Jean going crazy.

Then they let the girl out. Her name is Hisako Ichiki, known in the comics as Armor. You know, X-Men always have this young girls who serve as the audience's eyes to the strange world of the X-Men, and Armor is no different, as she does exactly what I would want to do in this situation.

She was there for more than  30 seconds. I cut from this.

We do know that, I think.

I think I hurt my pants.

In any case, they put off the execution of Emma Frost and try to head out, but Creepy guy in tubes attack! At first he's somewhat of a person, but then he starts yelling "organs" like he's a zombie that'll settle for anything really. Suddenly Armor 's mutant power activates and she beats the guy up. Then she goes on a rampage because she can't control her powers. And Cyclopse finally does the thing where you talk to someone out of his/er rampage. Took you long enough.

So they take Hisako back to her home, much to the delight of her parents. Looks like it's all wrapped up with... LOOK OUT!

And this is regarding?

Will the X-Men, Emma Furostu, and Hisako survive this assault? Tune in, same X-Hour, Same X-Channel!


It's a cool little series. I'm hoping now that the "setting up characters and situation" part of it is over, we can we can get some advancement on the plot. Also, maybe it won't be like Iron-Man and more characters from the comics will show up. The scroll in the ending shows Mistique, Juggernaut and...

Stryfe, Cable's clone. Damn.

Damn!

Scolding Reviews-Daybreakers

Hey, you break it, you buy it!

Vampires are everywhere. Your movies, your books, your T.V. It's hard to offer up something new when a subject is already centuries old.

But sometimes new isn't necessarily good. Sometimes, if a concept cannot be executed with quality, t'is better to leave it alone. But I know how it works. Studios see Twilight making money and they think the public craves vampires. Which is how this movie starts.

When the movie starts, we see a girl scribble a few notes about how she can't age and change, and she goes out to see the sunset. Her eyes grow yellow, as we realize she is a vampire. Also, the sun makes her burst into flames.

I've seen burnier. I used to work in a  tourist destination...

What follows is exposition in narrated form. Apparently there was a war between Vampires and Regular humans, and we lost it. We should have been working on them whipping skills. As such, they made a deal with us that they would turn whoever wanted to live forever into a vampire, and use everyone else as food, completely ripping off the Animatrix. Apparently most people agreed to go 'pire.

Seriously, how can we lose against vampires? They are vulnerable when we are awake, and Italian food kills them. Seriously, a few Patriot Missiles to Castle Dracula and he's ashes.

Not you too, Uncle Sam!

Society has reformed around the immortal Nosferatu. The go to work, use underground tunnels to commute during the day, and have to buy blood. Oh, yeah, if they don't drink blood they become mindless monsters.

So, vampirism is a real hassle, basically.

If vampire society sounds completely unremarkable and indistinguishable from ours, it's because it is. Not only are this vampires deprived from vampire powers such as morphing into bats, super speed, and awesome theatrics, but asides from having fangs and creepy eyes they are just average people. How did we lose to these guys again?

So we meet our hero, renowned hematologist...guy from Sugar Ray?         

Well, I thought they looked alike, anyway.





Our good doctor is being pushed to produce a substitute for human blood by his boss, because it seems there isn't enough supply for the whole world. Farm humans are kept in large, Matrix knockoff farms where blood is drawn from them.In short, they are running out of humans and need something else.

Hey, for immortals, we sure are shortsighted...

Well, good fucking job, vampires. The one resource you need to keep being a cool immortal and you don't know how to make more. Here's a hint, fangboys. It starts at the genitals.

If you wanted human farms that keeps on delivering, keep the humees in a nice enclosed jail farm, give them some food, wine and privacy and watch the magic happen. It's how planet earth got overpopulated. You guys used to be human, you should know this.

But our hero has a soft spot for the normals, as his brother nags him for being such a pussy about drinking human blood. They get in a fight at his apartment and spill a bottle of plasma that attracts a full gone vampire who wandered in .

I blame Onision.

So this crazed, beast like vampire is licking the spilled blood, and all they have to do is call 911( you guys know how to count, right?) and leave it alone, but instead they decide they should fight him. All he wanted was the blood, no need to risk it. But they bother it and it attacks them and they have a fight scene.  They kill the hell out of the hobo-pire by stabbing him and cutting off his head.

A distraught Dr Sugar Ray drives away, trying to clear his head, when he has a car crash! He tries to trade vampire insurance with the people on the other car but he can't. Because they're humans.

Yes, apparently some humans remain  "in the wild". Hiding and traveling during the day, this "Daybreakers" are not only the last vestiges of non-vampiredom, going around with crossbows hoping to find a cure for vampirism. Naturally they shoot Dr Sugar Ray in the arm, and he helps them.

Later, after talking more to his boss about how much they need a substitute, but how it can't really ever be better than the sweet, creamy taste of human blood that their clients love, the Daybreakers, lead by IMPLIED ROMANTIC INTEREST D-44, break into his house and ask him for help.

He's the bad guy ;)

He agrees to meet the humans' leader, played by Willem Dafoe who claims he used to be a vampire, and he got cured, and that Dr Bartender can help figure out what the cure is. But soon his brother catches up with him and brings the vampire police to help catch the stray humans. This leads to a chase sequence. With an improbable escape.

As they arrive at the human's place Willem Dafoe describes how he was cured. He was driving around in a modded vampire care (because the sun, as expected, burns the hell out of them) looking at his hands, when  he crashed, flew out the window, engulfed in flames, and fell into a river. And he wants the Doctor to repeat the experiment.

He saw his car crashing potential

Waitaminit? What's the deal with this vampires? It's time for a little game of...

This vampires could be biological beings. Maybe in a stupid way, like  in Ultraviolet.

On the other hand, they could be the undead. They burst in flames at the sunlight and do not age.

Or they could be  living beings. They don't have  any special powers or metaphysical abilities.

Or they could be demons, possessed by dark forces that require blood and slaughter. They don't show in mirrors.

Or they could be biological, because outside of a craving for blood to the point of berserker fits and mutation, they don't seem naturally driven to perversity.

So which is it? The movie doesn't know and won't tell. Thanks for playing!

Meanwhile, Things in vampire land are not so hot. humans are running out even more, and  our hero's boss, tries to get his brother  to turn on him...even morerere.

We also get to know that the young woman at the start of the movie is the Boss' daughter and that she also became human by way of immolation. She's now with a group that quickly gets captured by Vampire forces. Then she's turned into a vampire. Then they run out of humans(!) so without blood, she goes feral. So they haul her and many other ferals into the sun.

Yeah, two deaths in a movie and never met the protagonists. This was very important.

The Doctor, Willem Dafoe and  IRID-44 discover that it is in fact water that somehow turns the vampires combustive reaction to the sun into an undo by testing on himself. He tries to ask his vampire scientist friend to help, but he turns on him.Then IRID-44 gets captured and taken to the Bosses' base.

And it happens because they let him have a private phone call.  Idiots.

Willem Dafoe and Dr Mark McGrath make their way to the bosses building, but his brother is waiting.  They get in a standoff and eventually his brother bites the hell out of Willem Dafoe...then begins to writhe in pain. Anyone with half a brain understands what is happening.

Eventually the Doctor gives himself up and goes to the bosses office where IRID-44 is being held and starts trying to tick him off, even reminding him of his daughter. The boss bites him and then becomes human. Biting an un-vampired aparently does that.

I don't know.

It's a remarkable turn of events. They could unvampire everyone now that they have the boss of the blood store and four unvampires. Or they could tie the boss to the elevator and kill him for being a jerk.''

I mean, it's just saving the world from vampires! Let me get a little pointless vengeance first.

So a bunch of vampires rip him to shreds in a show of strenght not seen so far in the movie. Dafoe and Sugar Ray's brother come to help IRID-44 and the Doctor, but run into more Vampire Swat guys, who swarm the brother in a feeding frenzy, the guards that bite him become human, but are inmediately attacked by the others. It's kindo of logical, but also kind of lame.

This is Bush's fault somehow.

Eventually, only 3 of the Swat guys are alive, only to be shot by the scientist's friend. He kinda doesn't have any reason to, and he should  at least be frenzied himself, but whatever. He is killed, our heroes drive into the sunset, the end.

I must say this movie is bland, bland bland. The premise of a world where vampires rule sounded interesting, but it's just boring because it's pretty much our world. Going to work isn't more interesting because it's vampires going to work. If there was a message, it was very confused about what it was.  Compared to KOF, though, It is at least nice to look at.

Scolding Reviews-The King of Fighters

 

 

 

 

Do NOT wake up with the king.

 Fighting games and Movies have not yet found a perfect blend. Mortal Kombat was a cheesefest, Street Fighter was campy, then boring, Dead or Alive was  a breezy actioneer with plenty of hot ladies. And I'm not holding my breath for Soul Calibur.

No, I don't.

But the King of the bad fighting game adaptation has now been crowned. KOF is so completely and consistently terrible, It would take Uwe Boll adapting War Gods to possibly rival it.

This isn't so bad it's good. This is so bad, you apologize to people before it ends. Let me put it this way: You know Ray Park, Stuntman/martial artist/actor had his voiced dubbed in Star Wars: Ep: I because he was TOO BAD FOR STAR WARS EPISODE I? He's one of the best actors in this wretched pile.

I don't really know how faithfull KOF is too the games. I'm more of a Capcom guy, and what I know from KOF comes mostly from Mugen, frankly. So I guess fandom isn't why this film is so terribad.

It begins with a shower scene with no nudity, as we meet Mai, who is one of our leads. Mai as I understand it is played for laughs/fanservice, with her ridiculously bouncy breasts and her crush on something called an "Andy". Here, she is neither funny, not really THAT sexy. I mean, she's hot, but they should have gotten a pornstar.  I usually don't make that kind of casting suggestion, but it's not like this movie's acting would be worsened by it.

Here's Maggie Q, looking more like Mai than she does on this movie.

So Mai puts this holographic hearing aid, and she's seemingly drifts magically to a meat locker and gets into a mock fight with a douche in a coat. I say a mockfight because neither of them seem to be into it. It seems serious enough, there's balls of snakes flying and some things the fighters do cause electricity and stuff, but they're friends. Friends who punch  each other in the chest with lightening.

So Mai wins, and the titles are shown, while discont store  Linkin Park plays. It's gawfull.

Later we meet Iori, who I think is KOF's Akuma. Fittingly, here he looks like Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game's Akuma .

Look at me! I'm an airplane! Ewwwwwwrn!

Iori is Mai's boyfriend or some shit. And as a romantic gesture after a century of vague talk, he takes her to the Boston Cultural Museum to exhibit the SUPER TREASURE TRINKETS OF POWER. She's worried that this MIGHTY SUPER POWERFULL TRINKETS are exposed  to being stolen, but whoever it is is running the whole tournament thing(did not get it, they where practically muttering) likes to show off.

The the villain shows up, waves a gun around and steals them. 

Hey, If I can't show of my super Macguffin at a museum with  3 guards, why did we move to Boston for?

Our villain Rugal, played by Ray Park, is apparently a former fighter of the whole interdimensional tournament thing. So he shows up puts a gun to the guards, slashes up the tournaments matron figure, and while Iori and Mai are tending to her, loots the hell out of the treasures.

The security is terrible, but I guess you would expect the worlds strongest interdimentional fighters to be able to deal with one guy with a gun.

Seriously, shoot him.

With the Super trinkets of power, Iori now controls the other dimension and  can freely do anything on it. The other dimension is nothing special, visually. Mostly abandoned warehouses and empty, dirty hallways. I mean, it's less Outworld and more broken down housing projects. My hope is that this dimension's version of the JLA are all Hobos.

So skip to  somewhere else, where Kyo, who should maybe be a little Asian, if only because his father, who is comatose in bed is reading some philosopy and remembering that he used to train with his father. The movie. His dad eyerolls at his terrible acting.

Mai is also shown to meet with her boss, because she's a CIA agent. Her boss is called Terry Bogard, though  he doesn't look anything like the guy I downloaded for Mugen.

Eventually Mai and Iori meet Kyo at his father's bedside, which awakens Kyo's dad, and also drives him murderous rage/heart failiure.

Meanwhile, Rugal has been trying to convince fighters that it's cool  to enter the game, even though the Matron woman says that it's totally dangerous.

Cue the lesbians! These two...well, we only know  they do Yoga so I guess Yogi women called Vice and Mature(Seriously, who names a kid VICE?) decide the two of them can totally handle it. So they enter the dimension together, which they didn't even know was allowed. Didn't KOF had a tag team option somewhere?

THIS REALLY IS A PRODUCTION IMAGE OF IT.

Rugal appears to them first as a street hockey player. It is very sad.  Rugal proceeds to act like an idiot and kick their asses. He then sort of makes out with one of them and I think that steals her soul or something? And then blackmails her into getting more fighters for him to kill. Then I think he rapes her.

 You may think I am kidding, so I'm putting the gif of it below, and you tell me if it is or isn't what happened.

This is just...disturbing

So Iori, Mai and Bogard team up and try to get Kyo to help, even though Kyo has Smallville like resolve to not becoming the hero he was destined to be.Boggard blows Mai's cover and it's all talk for a bit. Iori tires and uses the Magic Bluetooth to get to Rugal, who has, arranged a bunch of mannequins. Iori fights the Lesbians, until they pin him down and then he hulks out. WIth the possesed by the dark hadou he makes short work of the Lesbians, but fails to kill Rugal.

Your motivation is mannequins  creep the hell out of you.

They talk for a million years, until Iori has another plan. Make KYO take on Rugal. Amazingly, he convinces Kyo to take a stab at it. Rugal, disapointed Mai isn't him, decides to beat  Kyo up and send him back to his own world alive. I do not know why he does this. He's been killing other fighters offscreen. In any case, it's good, because I'm sure Iori would have been kicking himself.

Kyo,and the gang are joined by the Matron Lady, who is in a wheelchair because remember, Rugal cut her tummy up with a katana. They decide they are all heading into Rugal's world because the movie's almost over and they must overcome their crippling fear of ganging up on  a guy. Then the Matron gets out of her wheelchair, because shit is serious, not. She's healed and I don't know why what or who made it. She should be shitting in a bag.

A long ass boring, poorly choreographed fight between Kyo(who has a Katana the whole time) Mai, Iori and Terry and Rugal and his amazing rape victims ensues.  It's broken up a bit when Iori hulks out and decides to fight Kyo, or when Terry decides he needs his hat from the game and punches it out of an unsuspecting old man. Our heroes use the Super trinkets and fail, Matron lady dies and then Kyo produces a magic sword and throws it at Rugal's head with an effect not dissimilar to this.

He's riding the dinosaur train to hell.

Fuck this movie.

Look I like Charlies Angels, I enjoyed the Transformers series, and I bought Hoodwinked. I need you to understand I'm far from a film snob or an elitist. I enjoys movies you probably hate.This movie has stuff I crave in movies, like fireballs and interracial lesbianism so I feel I SHOULD like it. Still, this movie is so atrociously filmed, so boring so disparate and  so cliched no one can possibly enjoy it. Not even one such as I

Fuck this movie forever.